Nesting:
HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF: Eight weeks after moving to the new place, I've emptied all the cardboard boxes in my house and things are hung up on the walls. Making progress and feeling more and more at home. It's a good feeling after being in transition for months. We're getting back into the swing of life in Singapore. (Next week: window coverings!)
Conviction:,
Despite the forward progress in nesting, I did have a moment this week while draining all the moisture out of my body and walking down the street (because we have no car, and I took the wrong bus which dropped me blocks from our apartment), I was walking in the middle of the day in the hot muggy equatorial sun, I found myself saying to myself things I might never say aloud, but I dare write on this blog:
"Damn! I CHOSE this life???
I CHOSE this???
This life sucks! [step, step, squint, step]
Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!....[step, step, squint, step]
God...I don't want to respond this way to my life circumstances.
I want to be positive.
I want to be thankful.
What do you want to say to me in the midst of this?
What am I to learn?" [step, step, squint, step]
"I'm listening..."
And a word popped into my head like handwriting on the wall:
"ENTITLEMENT."
It wasn't judgmental. It was just there. As a fact. My middle-class, American, life of comforts and ease and airconditioners...I BELIEVE I AM ENTITLED to an easier life. It was immediately clear. God wanted me to realize that, though I may have left a better lifestyle , though many of my friends enjoy more comforts, I am not entitled to ease. I realize I am angry that Singaporeans who have it better than their geographical neighbors, don't realize that I have SACRIFICED to make this country my home. But today I am convicted of my sin of assumed Entitlement. Who am I to think I deserve a better life than most of the world's population? Who am I to think I deserve a car, cooler weather, health, safety? Who am I to think I deserve more than the neighbors around me, or as much as the expatriates i mix with through sports or Bible study?
Just because I've had a more cushy life before, why should I assume and feel like I deserve it now? Why? Because, even though I CHOSE THIS LIFE, it's humiliating to think that I might be someone's charity case or community service project. I like being on the giving end of things! It's not quite as pleasant being the needy one.
Anyway, as we've been watching the stock market (and our retirement investments) fall in value, in light of the financial worries of so many of us in the world (who are the "haves"), it was humbling for me to have to face this sin in my heart about the assumption of ENTITLEMENT.
In truth, he doesn't owe me anything; and gave up HEAVEN to walk this earth as a beggar and die a criminal's crucifixion for me.
What am I complaining about?
Lord have mercy on me a sinner.
