What hurt so badly those days was that in the FIRST week of September 2001 I'd had
neighbors and their children in my home making lanterns for lantern festival, and having tea, and getting a group together to go swimming. Then 2 days later, nothing but the twin towers collapsing was in the news and I felt like we were invisible in our neighborhood.
EVERYONE in the world was watching it on TV and talking about it for days on end, and watching and reading how the world was reaching out to their American friends around the world in this time of pain...
Everyone in this town knows we're Americans (They also know how much rent we pay, and that our boys speak Chinese, etc.). Yet NO ONE in Tampines looked at or spoke to me, for a week! On a National scale, when something was put together publically to memorialize those who died (held at National Stadium), it was the American Association who organized it. The Singaporeans did not know how to or didn't value responding with compassion.
At first, because of how painful it was personally, I was angry. Almost hateful. We were so pitifully needy, we all wore t-shirts that said AMERICA to church the following weekend. We wanted people to know we were Americans, hoping someone would speak to us after the service, but no one did. NO ONE! I wanted someone to bake me a casserole, or at least say, "Wow, I'm so sorry about what happened in your country. It's really tragic." But there was just this icky SILENCE.
When people finally said something it was,
"Did you know anyone who died?...NO? Oh, that's good."
(GOOD???)
or
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything, we were all THINKING ABOUT you, I just
didn't know what to say."
Over the months, my anger turned to pity, to compassion. I started looking out my HDB windows to the hundreds of windows within my view, thinking about what kinds of unprocessed pain hides behind these doors. It has grown in me a deeper compassion for the people of Singapore. Going through this painful expereince taught me in a deep way how people are emotionally and socially incabable of handling greif. Mine was deep, but still not entirely personal, or life changing, BUT how much more painful, and "disfunctional" for those who live ALL around us who cannot process the Japanese occupation, or poverty, or loss of a loved one, or abuse, or miscarriage, or infidelity, or retrenchement, or, or, or.... I think I'm much more compassionate for having gone through the post 9/11 experience in a cold country.
To be completely fair: I'll have you know that two friends did call the day of the tragedy, and when I was talking with dear Nora Neo about a week later, she made me a pie! I am so thankful they did. I think if NO ONE had, I may have given up! I may have forced Jim to take me back to the comforts of home (or Tarshish, like Jonah and run from His clear call to be here).
I believe that in time, we are going to LOVE Singapore, not just from our WILL, but by the grace of God with ALL our HEARTS.
9/11/2002
9/10/2002
What I'm Looking For in a Cell Group
to a friend we've been meeting with bi-weekly
You've done SO MUCH to help Jen and Lawrence in their whirlwind of getting to China, and setting up their life there... Come to think of it, seems like you help everyone you know! I can't help but thank God for you everyday when I look around my home at all the beautiful things you gave or loaned to help us settle. I imagine that all the work, and leading, and helping you do is exhausting. Not to mention that you've pushed on after the emotionally and spiritually draining & disappointing stuff with the staff couple you had to let go last year (and probably heaps of other interpersonal issues I don't know about). You are often in my thoughts and then prayers about juggling your competing demands.
We'll need to pow wow about what to do with our GREAT MARRIAGES cell group since Lawrence and Jen are gone. Important to talk aboutyour thoughts, as well as Cheng and Craig's needs. Bless them, they said a while back, this is the first time in their Christian lives that they've actually looked forward to going to cell... I have loved seeing Craig warm up to you two. When they were dating, they had a bunch of negative comments from 'friends' at church about their hopes of staying together. He's such a new Christian and has so much to learn...and yet has a lot of pride covering up his lack of spiritual maturity. I know that he has never had an older male Christian friend. You and Cheng are my dearest Singaporean sisters in Christ, so it has been an indulgent joy for me that you have gotten to know her a little.
Here's where we're coming from: As we started this group, our thoughts/needs were, first deepening friendships in a context of our common faith and being married. Starting with a low-key (not lots of reading or homework), pretty safe subject that will help us gel as a group -- build trust, history, memories, and an ability to get below the surface with one another.
Jim and I are at a place in our marriage where processing our "timeline," "purpose statement" or thinking about the future are helping us get reaquainted and better understand each other. We guessed that each of us as couples would even learn some things about our mates for the first time. We thought that this might be a good exercise for all of the 4 couples in starting out, before deciding if we want to stay together to tackle a tougher subjects like what it take for each of us to have a great and Godly marriage.
I think I can understand what you listed about what you want in a small group, and I think that your statement that you're not a "people person" makes our felt needs so very different. For Jim and I, it's been a long 5+ years of not having much fellowship with any long term, deep, meaningful, enjoyable and transparent friendships.
In these 5 years, we have been (in different settings) praising, worshiping, praying, and hearing from the word with people who always feel like strangers. The superficiality of hundreds of acquaintances here, added to our long term loss of deep friendships from a lifetime in LA, was the "method to our madness" in having our GREAT MARRIAGE times together be so relational. I've been growing in my understanding of the practice of the presence of God, so even though we haven't spent great amounts of time dedicated to prayer or worship, our times of joking around the meal have an awareness of the presence of the Lord in our midst. For me, and the way I'm wired, it isn't a matter of "either/or," spiritual, academic or a party, it's less dichotomized...
I get worship, I get times devoted to prayer and I get Bible study on my own...but it's been through our small group, that I finally am feeling that koinonia, that I have local brothers and sisters who I care enough about to be praying for regularly through the week, OR I feel may care about me enough to think of me, and maybe pray for me, past the greet-your-neighbor moment in a worship service. Admittedly, hearing from other friends that they have been in a typical Friday-sing-pray-study small group since coming to Singapore, and they don't feel any real bonds of kinship with their group, has made me desperate that we NOT be like that.
OKAY...enough about this...we can talk when we meet!
You've done SO MUCH to help Jen and Lawrence in their whirlwind of getting to China, and setting up their life there... Come to think of it, seems like you help everyone you know! I can't help but thank God for you everyday when I look around my home at all the beautiful things you gave or loaned to help us settle. I imagine that all the work, and leading, and helping you do is exhausting. Not to mention that you've pushed on after the emotionally and spiritually draining & disappointing stuff with the staff couple you had to let go last year (and probably heaps of other interpersonal issues I don't know about). You are often in my thoughts and then prayers about juggling your competing demands.
We'll need to pow wow about what to do with our GREAT MARRIAGES cell group since Lawrence and Jen are gone. Important to talk aboutyour thoughts, as well as Cheng and Craig's needs. Bless them, they said a while back, this is the first time in their Christian lives that they've actually looked forward to going to cell... I have loved seeing Craig warm up to you two. When they were dating, they had a bunch of negative comments from 'friends' at church about their hopes of staying together. He's such a new Christian and has so much to learn...and yet has a lot of pride covering up his lack of spiritual maturity. I know that he has never had an older male Christian friend. You and Cheng are my dearest Singaporean sisters in Christ, so it has been an indulgent joy for me that you have gotten to know her a little.
Here's where we're coming from: As we started this group, our thoughts/needs were, first deepening friendships in a context of our common faith and being married. Starting with a low-key (not lots of reading or homework), pretty safe subject that will help us gel as a group -- build trust, history, memories, and an ability to get below the surface with one another.
Jim and I are at a place in our marriage where processing our "timeline," "purpose statement" or thinking about the future are helping us get reaquainted and better understand each other. We guessed that each of us as couples would even learn some things about our mates for the first time. We thought that this might be a good exercise for all of the 4 couples in starting out, before deciding if we want to stay together to tackle a tougher subjects like what it take for each of us to have a great and Godly marriage.
I think I can understand what you listed about what you want in a small group, and I think that your statement that you're not a "people person" makes our felt needs so very different. For Jim and I, it's been a long 5+ years of not having much fellowship with any long term, deep, meaningful, enjoyable and transparent friendships.
In these 5 years, we have been (in different settings) praising, worshiping, praying, and hearing from the word with people who always feel like strangers. The superficiality of hundreds of acquaintances here, added to our long term loss of deep friendships from a lifetime in LA, was the "method to our madness" in having our GREAT MARRIAGE times together be so relational. I've been growing in my understanding of the practice of the presence of God, so even though we haven't spent great amounts of time dedicated to prayer or worship, our times of joking around the meal have an awareness of the presence of the Lord in our midst. For me, and the way I'm wired, it isn't a matter of "either/or," spiritual, academic or a party, it's less dichotomized...
I get worship, I get times devoted to prayer and I get Bible study on my own...but it's been through our small group, that I finally am feeling that koinonia, that I have local brothers and sisters who I care enough about to be praying for regularly through the week, OR I feel may care about me enough to think of me, and maybe pray for me, past the greet-your-neighbor moment in a worship service. Admittedly, hearing from other friends that they have been in a typical Friday-sing-pray-study small group since coming to Singapore, and they don't feel any real bonds of kinship with their group, has made me desperate that we NOT be like that.
OKAY...enough about this...we can talk when we meet!
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