"My Life Could Be Reality TV Show."

This is what Tyler said a few weeks ago when he woke up on a Saturday morning, lifted up his head and saw the sillouette of our 11 year old Chinese neighbor girl in his bedroom doorway. "Where are the hidden cameras following our every crazy move?"

He's right. The last few weeks have been extraordinary and entertaining.

But if our life is a reality TV show, then last night was the Season Finale Cliff Hanger!


1. [EXTERIOR. Void Deck of HDB building. First floor cement courtyard of government housing apartments. KIMBERLY stands with OLD MAN who offers his dog to her.]

OLD MAN: 

Ni yao ma? Wo gei ni. [Do you want? I'll give you.]

[He next holds out a can of nutrtional supplements to KIMBERLY.]

Ni yao ma? Wo gei ni.

2. [INTERIOR. Knock at the door, KIMBERLY answers. YI HUI is standing there smiling.]


3.  [EXTERIOR. School. KIMBERLY meets another mother who loves dogs and dog sitting]

KIMBERLY: 

You guys serious about getting a dog? I met a man the other day who wants to give away his Beagle.

CANADIAN LISA: 

Uhhh. Sure. We could meet him. Why not?

4. [INTERIOR. Knock at the door, KIMBERLY answers. NEIGHBOR PANSY standing outside.]

PANSY: 

Hi! I found the old man with the Beagle is serious. He does want to find a new owner for his dog. I told him to come over since you have a friend who might be interested.

5. [INTERIOR. Knock at the door, KIMBERLY answers. YI HUI is standing there smiling.]

6. [INTERIOR. Knock at the door, KIMBERLY answers. OLD MAN WITH BEAGLE  standing outside]

OLD MAN: 

Xing Chi San? 5 dian. Hao [Wednesday, 5 o'clock. Okay.]

7. [INTERIOR. KIMBERLY dials. Phone rings. CANADIAN LISA answers]

KIMBERLY: 

Hey Lisa! My neighbor, the old man with the beagle wants to meet you. I'll come along to translate.

It wasn't for the doggie date that I got dressed up that particular day. It's just that I was tired of seeing myeslf wearing flip flops, shorts and old t-shirts everyday. In the early afternoon I'd gone to get my hair cut and styled downstairs, so I had put on a pretty little white dress and after getting my hair done, I even met up with a friend later to get pedicures.

By 5PM I was looking pretty feminine and not at all like a heartlander Auntie. CANADIAN Lisa, her children THISBY (12) and EMMETT (10). The OLD MAN and his BEAGLE. My dog JACK and our little neighbor friend, my constant companion, YI HUI all met in the playground downstairs from my apartment. Talked about the dog's personality and his routine. Tried my best to translate. THISBY is eager to have him. LISA's husband is traveling and she's not ready to make a commitment.

OLD MAN says to LISA, "Okay, never mind. You want to take him overnight for a trial?"

LISA balks, knowing that to do this is as good as a commitment with the kids. I suggest we walk over to the man's home so he can show us more of the dog's routine. Everyone thinks this is a good idea. It's only 2 buildings away. The 9th floor. We arrive to his home just as his WIFE and MAID are coming back.

We all take off our shoes and enter the spartan white walled living room, or "hall" as it's called here. Marble tiled floor. White walls. Traditional Chinese furniture: cherry wood framed marble seats and backs to the "couch" and chair. virtually nothing on the walls, except a chinese watercolor of a flower and a digital clock with a picture of a Budda over it.

We hear about the food: just give him any leftovers you have. he eats anything. We hear about discipline: "Just use this bamboo stick I keep on the 'fridgerator to whack him if he gets out of line."

OLD MAN demonstrates the whacking.

We hear about the sleeping arrangement: "Just lay down some old cardboard on the floor. He sleeps on that."

The children are having fun watching my dog JACK and the BEAGLE romp around the cold stone living room floor as he tell us what a good natured and easy dog she is. Barking and giggling bounce off the bare walls. He invites us to sit and goes into the nearby kitchen for a short while. LISA and I take in the surroundings. "Cozy." I comment. LISA tries not to laugh.

OLD MAN returns with the canister of the nutritional supplement. FitSolution, Swiss made "cell nutrition." Asks if I'd like to try some while Im there at the house. Sure. Why not.

Moments later he returns with a small tupperware plastic cup (vintage 70's) stirring some powder that makes bright orange juice inside. LISA is finding it hard not to laugh. The children continue to sit on the floor and clap their hands at the dogs who vacillate between making friends and getting into a brawl.

I'm finding it a challenge to adequately understand, let alone translate for LISA. This solution is supposed to absorb immediately into the bloodstream and is not hampered by digestive system. Energy goes directly to the blood stream to increase circulation and seek out the weak or sick parts of your body and provide the nutrients needed to fight diseases. I sipped the juice and think about how I'm overdue for a complete physical and how lethargic I've been not doing regular cardio exercise. How the past year I've had erratic heart beats and dizzy spells. I wonder if I'm understanding the OLD MAN as he shows me the places on his head where hair has grown back, tells of his daughter who no longer has headaches or low blood pressure, and talks about how fit he and his family have been the last 6 months they've been using this product.

The OLD MAN rinses out my cup and gives a sample to LISA who begins to sip, but sneaks a few tastes to her children while the OLD MAN is not looking.

"No, no!" he proclaims. "You must drink it all yourself." He goes to get some pamphlets on the product, LISA sneaks another sip to the kids. By the time she's finished her portion (potion?), we've been shown articles and brochures and had more lectures which I only partially understand. One of us starts to suggest we "make a move" as we say in Singapore, which means: LEAVE.

I started to feel warm and LISA and the KIDS stare at my face, wide-eyed.

"Kimberly! You should see your face! You're turning bright red!"

The MAN helps me find a mirror in a nearby room to see my face looking like I've been on a tanning bed for an hour and a half. My hands are tingling as the man keeps repeating,

OLD MAN & WIFE: "This shows that it is working!" 


LISA: "Kimberly! Do you feel okay?" "Why are you laughing? I'm starting to freak out!" "Do you want me to call James?" "Is this going to happen to me in about 5 minutes?" "Oh no! And I've given some to the kids!"

It's actually cracking me up to be in such a situation. I've lived in China and around Chinese people so long that I'm not really scared about what's happening to me. They are always so confident when it comes to health and remedies, and they are such a cautious people that I figure I must be okay. But I do look like I'm turning into a beet! Especially against the bright white dress I'm wearing.

I look down at my hands and the palms of my hands are also bright red. The bright red color on the palms of my hands stops at my wrists which have remained natural colored. I'm feeling a bit light headed.

"I don't think I'm quite able to go home just yet." I say, as I find my way back to my chair and sit down. The others are talking to me. My head starts to spin and I feel nauseated. I just need to rest.

I hear LISA. What's James' phone number? Does he know where we are?

The next thing I knew I was waking up from a dream. My head on my orange juice stained front of my white dress. I was wretching. The others ran to get a pail and a wet cloth. Both smelled bad, and it made me wretch more.

The kids and LISA told me that I had leaned over and put my head between my knees, and she'd thought, "Wow, Kimberly really knows what to do in this situation." Then I had sat up, placed my hands across my chest and stared, wide-eyed, but not seeing. "Your eyes were open but you were clearly not there." is what LISA said. Then I let out a huge sigh and slumped over. Only for a moment, though, 'cause that's when I'd thrown up on myself and woke up. They were clearly freaked out.

The OLD MAN explained, and then he got his daughter who speaks English on the phone to explain that this is a common reaction when using it for the first time. The nutrients and energy were attracted to the part in my body that is sick and bringing healing. The next time I take it, the reaction won't be as severe.

Groggily I translated "next time." for LISA who said, "Next time. Yeah. Right."

While I talked on the phone with his grown daughter (in English), the OLD MAN excused himself to the kitchen where he and his wife commenced eating their dinner. LISA and I were starting to feel like this was about the most surreal experience we'd ever had after years of living in multiple cross cultural contexts.

As I mopped up the mess on the front of my dress I didn't realize that this episode was only PART I of this incredible evening.

I'll have to wait to finish later, so let's call this the season finale cliff hanger of my Reality TV Show. I'll write out PART II another day.