Advice on Preparing for a Cross Cultural Marriage!

(written to my friend Shannon the Singaporean, marrying Rafael the Swiss this coming May)

Check out Marriage 365. Casey Caston was with CRM and traveled to Singapore to visit us. He’s done premarital counseling and officaited more weddings than any other officiant in Orange County California….then he keeps up with couples he’s married by way of Marriage 365. 

He’s really amazingly encouraging and so believes in helping marriages launch well and thrive (have not met Meygan but she seems pretty neat too). He left CRM because he could do this passion full time. I just wrote them to see what they recommend.

The one book I’ve heard the most people recommend as #1 is His Needs, Her Needs. 

Focus on the Family has a good book 

Your Intercultural Marriage 

Available from the Singapore Focus site

A short article you may have seen on cross cultural marriages:

When I look back THIRTY+ YEARS AGO, on our pre-marital counseling and prep, the best advice I can remember was:

1. Approach disagreements by sharing how you FEEL rather than blame. “Help me understand and process my feelings. As I look at the ____, it feels to me like… I know you are for me, and we are partners, but this feels wrong.” etc.
2. Agree on a maximum amount you as a couple can spend without checking with the other. It was a good way for us to grow in trust and accountblity in spending as a couple. AND turned out to be a GREAT excuse to use when people were trying to sell one of us something on the spot. “My husband and I have an agreement not to make any purchases over $50 without checking with the other.” Somewhere along the line we stopped doing this, but it was because we had learned we are both responsible with montha and pretty much in agreement on what we want to spend it on.
3. HEAD OFF potential IN-LAW issues re: Holidays and the time you will spend between families. 
4. Discuss between you two ahead of time where you would like to spend your holidays/time with family, when you are just a two-some and knowing it will change when/if you have children. Then manage THEIR expectations by letting your families know NOW what you’ve decided, so that you are not wearing yourselves out trying to please them all and not doing what is best for you. You can ask them if there’s anything in that plan they’d like for you to adjust, but at least you’ve set the precedent that YOU ARE A NEW FAMILY, and you are thinking ahead on these things that can cause great stress later. How you two expect to navigate your parents’ aging is also something you’ll need to talk about if you haven’t already. Big differences between family and cultural expectations with aging parents!